btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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