the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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