So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
