She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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