i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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