I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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