a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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