Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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