It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
