i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Swine flu is the new snow day.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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