I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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