Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Randomize
