....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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