I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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