i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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