this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
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