no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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