Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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