I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
