Need sex. Gaining weight.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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