my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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