I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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