STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
