Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
