No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You're a waste of cheezeits
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
