I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
