why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
