i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
