Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
