one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
