I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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