It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
