it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
