I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
