i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
The best revenge is premature balding
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
