I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
