Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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