Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
