the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Randomize
