Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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