Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
