why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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