i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
