i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
