If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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