The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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