hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
youre lurking in front of me
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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