I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
