We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
