I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
