So drunk its hurt
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
