Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
