I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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