Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
