I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
