i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
