Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
