This is not my ceiling
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
