there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
