The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
