i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
